These
tips are offered by someone who was trained as a Samaritans volunteer (“To
Befriend the Suicidal and Despairing”) a number of years ago but who has not
been an active volunteer for some time. However, the art of listening, once
acquired, is not easily lost, and he hopes that the following will be of some
use to anyone who finds themselves in the situation of being a sounding-board
for a friend or relative (or even a complete stranger) whose world has fallen
apart for one reason or another.
Tip
1: Listening is both active and passive
It
might be thought that listening is nothing more than being the receiver of
words spoken by someone else. To an extent that is true, but a distinction
needs to be made between listening and hearing. If you have the radio on while
you are doing other things, are you listening to it or just hearing it?
Likewise, if you are not fully engaged with the person who is speaking, you are
only hearing their words, not listening to them.
Active
listening is about understanding what is being said and what is not (see
below). It may involve some words of your own (again, see below) or it may
simply mean demonstrating, by your attitude and demeanour, that you are
completely on the side of the person in distress.
There
is passivity in listening, because the good listener is only interested in the
other person and their needs, and does not constantly interrupt with their own
comments and views. If they are “pouring it all out” that is exactly what they
need to do, and your function is merely to be there.
Tip
2: Listen for what is not being said
This
relates in part to body language. When somebody is in distress they may find it
very difficult to put their thoughts and feelings into words, but their bodily
posture and general demeanour can tell you a lot if you are able to read the
signs. Whole books have been written abut body language, but a simple clue may
be gained from whether or not they are willing to make eye contact with you; if
they do not, it may be that they are holding something back and not being
entirely honest with either you or themselves.
Your
own body language is also important, because you need to be completely
receptive to the other person. Sit next to them and don’t be afraid to touch a
hand or put an arm round a shoulder. You can listen with your whole self and
not just your ears.
In
terms of what is being said, there may be aspects of the situation that you
know something about but the person has not mentioned. You might wonder why
this is the case, and use some gentle questioning to encourage them to talk
about what might be the most painful part of their difficulty.
Likewise,
they may spend a lot of time skating round the edge of the problem and never
get to the “nitty-gritty”. Don’t be in too much of a hurry to direct the
conversation in a particular direction, but this may be necessary at some stage
if the person shows no signs of wanting to do this for themselves. They may
well be waiting for you to make this move because they cannot face doing so
themselves.
Tip
3: Don’t be afraid of silence
The
opposite of “pouring it all out” is saying nothing at all. This is a very
common response when someone is distressed and it is not something that should
worry you as the listener. Silences can go on for a long time because the
person either cannot find the words to use or simply wants to “draw down” into
themselves in the knowledge that they are not alone.
Listening
can therefore be listening to nothing, and that is a valuable thing in its own
right. You can show that you are still there, and still listening, by using
touch (as above) or by saying things that either need no response or a simple
nod or shake of the head. The latter might be just: “Can I get you another cup
of tea?”
You
must avoid rushing the person into speaking or making gestures that suggest
your impatience. If you want to know the time, glance at your watch or clock in
a way that is not obvious!
It
is possible that this is not the right time for words to be used, and it could
be the case that this encounter will need to be ended at some point with
nothing having been said. There are many instances in which a person has
returned (to the Samaritans for example) having had several long “silent calls”
(usually by phone) before being convinced that they can trust the listener. It
was the listener’s patience during the silence that created the trust.
Tip
4: Resist the urge to advise
This
may seem an odd thing to say, because your friend or relative may have called
you for that very reason. They have a problem and want to know what you would
advise them to do. However, in cases where listening is required, offering a
ready-made solution could be the worst thing you could do.
Very
often, the person knows the answer and what they should do, but wants to hear
it from someone else. Sometimes this is because they fear, deep down, that the
consequences of the action will be bad and they want someone else to blame
should this be so. At other times, they just seek reassurance that they are
doing the right thing.
The
good listener will turn the request for advice back upon the requester. The
answer to “What should I do?” is “What do you think you should do?” (maybe not
in those exact words, as the circumstances will dictate the correct approach).
Even
worse is the urge to offer advice when it is not called for. The listener should
never take charge of the conversation with: “If I were you, I would …” The fact
is that you are not that other person, so what you would do is completely
irrelevant.
There
may not be an answer to a particular problem, and there is no point in
pretending that there is one. In many cases, listening is about allowing the
person to come to terms with a painful situation, in their own time and the way
that will best suit them. There is no solution to the problem of bereavement
for example, but a good listener can help by being there and by encouraging the
person to talk through their feelings.
Incidentally,
many people are at a loss about what to say to someone who has lost a loved
one. The answer is not to have a “set speech” but to allow the person as much
space and time as they need to grieve. Also, don’t be afraid to talk about the
person who has died, because remembering the happy times spent together is one
of the best ways of coming to terms with the fact that they are no longer
there.
Tip
5: Don’t conduct an interview
Listening
to someone in distress is a completely different ballgame to trying to get them
to give you answers to questions. You may find it difficult to understand what
lies at the heart of their problem, but behaving like a policeman or a court
lawyer is not the way to find out.
There
is a way to get to understand what is going on, but the good listener does this
by being endlessly patient and waiting for the answers to come out in their own
good time. You can ask questions, but the best way to do this is to turn what
the person says back upon them and prod gently for more information. For
example:
Friend:
I don’t think he loves me any more.
You:
You don’t think he loves you any more?
Friend:
I’m sure of it.
You:
Can you say why?
Friend:
He doesn’t want to be with me like he used to.
You:
He doesn’t want to be with you? Since when?
And
so on. By the way, when asking questions, try to keep them open rather than
closed (i.e. avoid those that ask for yes/no answers) and try not to lead the
person in directions that might fit your own assessment of the situation but
not that of the person in question.
The
above tips are far from complete, because listening is a complex and subtle art
and there are many variations on the theme. However, attending to these points
should certainly help to make you a better listener.
© John Welford