Cold callers

In his “Divine Comedy” Dante assigned various sinners to their particular circle of Hell, the implication being that certain sins were more or less terrible than others and the eternal punishment should be adjusted accordingly.

However, if, while he was penning his masterpiece, Dante’s phone had been constantly ringing with invitations to buy this or invest in that, I rather fancy that he would have been tempted to assign a particularly unpleasant never-ending fate to the cold caller!

These people are the bane of my life! There I am, at my keyboard, just struck with a thought that I want to jot down, or having just hit upon the right phrase to use, or aware that I need to check something, when the phone goes and it’s another s*dding cold caller!

They come in various guises. There are those that start: “Can I please speak to the householder?” or “Am I speaking to Mr Welford?”, to which the answer is always a curt “No” (a lie in the latter case, but it’s a sin I don’t mind committing from time to time). Sometimes there is a long pause, followed by a voice in a very foreign accent; these calls probably originate in India or somewhere similar – the phone goes down instantly.

Some are a bit more worrying. This morning’s was “I’m calling from XYZ Security because there has been a spate of burglaries in your area”. My suspicious mind wonders if the reason for this is that people have been happily discussing their lack of security with perfect strangers over the phone!

My son has suggested a range of fun alternatives to my usual option of putting the phone down almost instantly. Said son is welcome to play silly b*ggers if he likes, but he may have a point. If the cold caller gets the impression that this house is occupied by a complete bunch of weirdos, he or she might reckon that not much business will be forthcoming from it.

Thus an answer along the lines of: “Do you mind, I’m busy mowing the kitten” (stolen from John Cleese, that one) might cause a sharp indrawing of breath at the other end. My son has also tried reversing the call, such as “Actually, I’m glad you called, because I’m looking into finding a way of marketing my line of designer earwigs – could you give me a few tips as to how cold calling might help?” He usually only gets as far as “earwigs” before the line goes dead.

I’ve never been that brave, although I have answered calls from the AA (Automobile Association) with a slurred “I’m so glad you’re there – Alcoholics Anonymous is just what I need”.

Anyway, nuff said. If anyone has any better tips that will dissuade cold callers from trying again and again, I’d be willing to listen – as long as you don’t phone, of course!

© John Welford