How to help a friend with the blues

There are plenty of ways in which you can get this situation all wrong!  For example, the often heard “Pull yourself together!” and “Why don’t you just snap out of it?” are guaranteed not to be helpful things to say.

The first thing to do is assess just how bad these “blues” are. The term is usually held to mean a mild and temporary bout of depression, but that may not be the case where your friend is concerned. Mild depression can deepen very quickly. On the other hand, we all feel down at times, and just because someone is not their usual bubbly self does not mean that they must be on the slippery slope towards suicide!

How well do you know your friend? Do they get these moods often? If they do, is this time any different from all the rest? If not, could there be something serious going on?

Depression, whether mild or deep, can come about for various reasons. Sometimes there is a definite cause, such as an incident, that lies behind it. But sometimes the depression is an illness caused by a chemical imbalance in the brain. Sometimes the latter is the underlying cause, but something happens to tip the person over the edge. Finding out what is happening is a good idea, but that does not mean giving your friend the third degree!

Everyone can, and should, learn the art of positive listening. That means giving someone all the time they need to say what they want, or, if it is their desire, not to say anything at all. Silence is not a problem in these situations. If your friend wants to sit there saying nothing, that should not worry you.

However, if they want to unburden themselves, you can be there for them. Just being a sounding-board is a positive thing. If they are confused about how they feel, you can help them to sort things out. Don’t put thoughts into their head or words into their mouth, but ask gently probing questions that help the train of thought to develop.  It is not your job to solve their situation for them, but you can help them to come to their own decision as to what to do next.

If you feel that hand-holding, or an arm round the shoulders, is appropriate, do it. However, you can touch someone in many different ways other than physically. Your tone of voice is a touch, as is the way you look at someone.  You are touching your friend when you make them a cup of coffee, and when you stay with them although you would rather be somewhere else.

The blues, or any form of depression, is at heart a breakdown in communication. As a friend, you can bring that person back into communication with the outside world. But don’t be too hasty. There is nothing wrong with withdrawing from the world at times, indeed it is often a good thing to do. It is a mistake to think that everyone must be happy all the time. But part of being a true friend is spotting when things are going amiss and doing what you can to help.

On the other hand, without the blues no-one would ever have heard of New Orleans!

© John Welford