Ground crew responses to pilots

The practice in the British Royal Air Force (RAF) is for pilots to report any faults they find during flights on "Form 700" and for the ground crews to add their responses after the faults have been traced and fixed.

Sometimes the pilots express themselves in ways that demand a cynical reply. The following faults (F) and responses (R) were reported at 35 Squadron, Bomber Command, in 1972:

F: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement

R: Left inside main tyre has almost been replaced

F: Dead bugs on windshield

R: Replacement live bugs ordered

F: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick

R: That's what friction locks are for

F: Something loose in cockpit

R: Something tightened in cockpit

F: Target radar hums

R: Target radar reprogrammed with lyrics

F: Mouse in cockpit

R: Cat installed

F: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear

R: Evidence removed

F: Number 3 engine missing

R: Engine found on right wing after a brief search

F: Suspected crack in windshield

R: Suspect you're right

F: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget with a hammer

R: Took hammer away from midget

F: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough

R: Auto-land is not installed on this aircraft

F: Aircraft handles funny

R: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious

F: IFF inoperative in off mode

R: IFF is always inoperative in off mode

F: DME volume unbelievably loud

R: DME volume set to a more believable level

© John Welford