Cold callers

In his “Divine Comedy” Dante assigned various sinners to their particular circle of Hell, the implication being that certain sins were more or less terrible than others and the eternal punishment should be adjusted accordingly.

However, if, while he was penning his masterpiece, Dante’s phone had been constantly ringing with invitations to buy this or invest in that, I rather fancy that he would have been tempted to assign a particularly unpleasant never-ending fate to the cold caller!

These people are the bane of my life! There I am, at my keyboard, just struck with a thought that I want to jot down, or having just hit upon the right phrase to use, or aware that I need to check something, when the phone goes and it’s another s*dding cold caller!

They come in various guises. There are those that start: “Can I please speak to the householder?” or “Am I speaking to Mr Welford?”, to which the answer is always a curt “No” (a lie in the latter case, but it’s a sin I don’t mind committing from time to time). Sometimes there is a long pause, followed by a voice in a very foreign accent; these calls probably originate in India or somewhere similar – the phone goes down instantly.

Some are a bit more worrying. This morning’s was “I’m calling from XYZ Security because there has been a spate of burglaries in your area”. My suspicious mind wonders if the reason for this is that people have been happily discussing their lack of security with perfect strangers over the phone!

My son has suggested a range of fun alternatives to my usual option of putting the phone down almost instantly. Said son is welcome to play silly b*ggers if he likes, but he may have a point. If the cold caller gets the impression that this house is occupied by a complete bunch of weirdos, he or she might reckon that not much business will be forthcoming from it.

Thus an answer along the lines of: “Do you mind, I’m busy mowing the kitten” (stolen from John Cleese, that one) might cause a sharp indrawing of breath at the other end. My son has also tried reversing the call, such as “Actually, I’m glad you called, because I’m looking into finding a way of marketing my line of designer earwigs – could you give me a few tips as to how cold calling might help?” He usually only gets as far as “earwigs” before the line goes dead.

I’ve never been that brave, although I have answered calls from the AA (Automobile Association) with a slurred “I’m so glad you’re there – Alcoholics Anonymous is just what I need”.

Anyway, nuff said. If anyone has any better tips that will dissuade cold callers from trying again and again, I’d be willing to listen – as long as you don’t phone, of course!

© John Welford

Cockney rhyming slang

Visitors to London are often puzzled by the strange expressions used by many of its inhabitants in their everyday speech, as in “Hello, me old china, fancy a butchers at me new jam jar? Hey, I like your whistle! How’s the trouble and strife?” These are examples of Cockney rhyming slang, and there are five in the quote just given.

One thing to make clear is that not all Londoners are Cockneys, but their slang has spread far beyond their “zone”, and many examples have become common expressions in the English of people who have never lived anywhere near London. To be strictly accurate, a Cockney is someone who was born within the sound of the bells of St Mary-le-Bow church (pictured), which is just to the east of St Paul’s Cathedral. However, the bells are not heard very often these days, and even when they do sound, the noise of the modern city has limited their range considerably. For practical purposes, a Cockney can be reckoned to be a working-class Londoner who lives in the east end.

Rhyming slang appears to have emerged around the 1840s among the local traders who sold goods from carts or stalls and were known as costermongers. It is possible that the slang developed as a form of private language with a view to confusing anyone who was not local, particularly any “toffs” who might have wandered into their patch. Alternatively, it could have started as a sort of verbal word game, with one person trying to guess what another person meant.

The rhymes are quite basic, and stand for everyday words, so “apples and pears” means “stairs” but some of them have a certain relevance to the intended word, so when a Cockney refers to his wife as the “trouble and strife” he has more than just a rhyme in mind!

What really confuses the uninitiated is the fact that the actual rhyming word is often omitted, as in “whistle” above. Here, the full expression is “whistle and flute” which rhymes with “suit”. Indeed, the rhyme is just as often omitted as spoken, so references to a “syrup”, “china” or “barnet” need a bit of working out (“syrup of figs” for “wig”, “china plate” for “mate” and “Barnet Fair” for “hair”).

Many people use rhyming slang regularly with ever knowing that they are doing so. The common phrase “give us a butchers”, has spread far beyond London to mean “let’s have a look” (from “butcher’s hook”), and many a young man has referred to a woman’s breasts as “bristols” without appreciating the original rhyming slang of “Bristol cities” for “titties”.

Sometimes it is not easy to work out the origin of a slang term, simply because the original “rhyme word” is no longer in common use. An example of this is “kettle” for “watch”. This only makes sense as “kettle on the hob” to rhyme with “fob”, although nobody today uses a pocket watch attached to their waistcoat by a fob chain.

Cockney rhyming slang has often used the names of well-known people, and it is a sign of having really arrived in the public’s consciousness when somebody is featured in the slang vocabulary. Winona Ryder will doubtless be delighted to know that she is rhyming slang for “cider” and Britney Spears is “beers”.

Mind how you go as you walk down the field (of wheat, meaning street). Don’t go Pete Tong (wrong), but always be Isle of Wight. You’d better Adam and Eve it!

© John Welford

Coasteering

Not surprisingly, the first thing you need for coasteering is a coast! Not just any coast, but one with cliffs that are not too high, and a sea that is safe to fall or jump into from said cliffs. The aim is to make your way along the cliffs, rock climbing in places and swimming in others.

Coasteering is not a sport that should be tackled alone, but only as part of an organized group that is led by properly trained and experienced instructors. That means that they will not take you to coasts that are inherently dangerous, or in conditions of tide or weather that will put you at undue risk. It is also a summertime activity when the water is not too cold.

Of course, if you scramble along cliffs and jump into the sea, there is a risk that you could be injured. No extreme sport is entirely without risk. However, the whole point of doing these things is to challenge yourself, to achieve something that you never thought you could do, and to come home in one piece.

Within the United Kingdom, the south-west peninsula offers a number of coasteering possibilities, due to the rocky coastline of Cornwall, Devon and Dorset. One very popular location is Newquay in Cornwall, which is also internationally renowned for its surfing beaches. The lifeguards who look after your safety on the beach could be the same people who take you coasteering.

The Newquay centre offers a variety of coasteering experiences, from a two to three hour trip along the coast to a four-hour military-style expedition for experienced coasteerers only, this including a swim through a sea cave. Some of the trips include guidance on the flora and fauna of the cliffs, although every effort is made to avoid disturbance to the birds and animals for which this is their home.

The Pembrokeshire coast of south-west Wales is another popular coasteering location, such as Strumble Head near Fishguard. As well as the thrill of jumping off cliffs into safe pools of water, there are seabirds all around and the bemused looks of nature’s coasteerers, although the seals tend not to climb the cliffs a lot!

In North Wales, the cliffs of Anglesey and the Llyn Peninsula offer many coasteering opportunities, and the activity can be combined with rock climbing and other sports in nearby Snowdonia. Abersoch, on the Llyn, is like Newquay in that it is also a Mecca for surfers.

In Scotland, there is a coasteering centre near Fort William, which is overlooked by the highest mountains in Great Britain. Coasteers are taken by rigid inflatable boats to find cliffs and sea caves and experience some of the wildlife that can only be properly seen at sea level, such as otters and sea eagles.

Coasteering is available at many other places in Britain, with around 100 centres licensed to offer this sport. Most of the centres are on the west coast because that is where the most interesting cliff scenery is to be found. However, there are locations in places such as Fife on the east coast.

Although coasteering has been developed mainly in the United Kingdom, it has also become popular in other countries with rocky coastlines, such as France, Croatia and Ireland.

However, it has to be emphasised again that this is not a “go it alone” activity. Jumping off cliffs is an inherently dangerous thing to do, and there are many places where coasteering is far from safe. However, for an adrenalin rush second to none, in the company of similarly-minded people, it is hard to beat!

© John Welford

Children during marital breakdown

Marital breakdown is always a tragedy of dashed hopes, but at least most adults know that they can get over it, build new relationships, and start all over again.

However, for the children of the marriage this is not so easy. If they have spent their whole lives being looked after by two people, and one of them suddenly leaves the scene, the result is devastating. What many parents forget is that children look to each parent for different things----their mother may be the person to go to for emotional support, whereas dad is much better for solving practical problems (or maybe, of course, the other way round!). Take away one side of that equation and the child’s security has been damaged, possibly beyond repair.

 

What parents who are faced with this situation must always remember is that the interests of the children must always come first, second and third. They must also have the humility to admit that they may not be the best persons to make that judgment. There have been too many cases of marital breakdown where one partner has committed suicide and killed the children as well, in the mistaken and tragic belief that the kids would be better off dead.

 

The best coping mechanism is therefore to seek professional help as soon as possible. In the

 

For example, if the family consists of more than one child, will it be best for them to be split between the parents, or should they stay together? The parents will doubtless have their own views on this, but those of the children may well be different.

 

The problems can be even trickier when a marriage between people of different nationalities is involved. In a noted case in the UK, the daughter of a Scottish mother (living in the remote Western Isles) and a Pakistani father decided to fly off with the father back to Pakistan, where she has accepted Islam and adopted Muslim dress. The Scottish court ruled in favour of the mother, but the Pakistani court favoured the father. The wishes of the daughter were being given consideration, and the arrangement now in place does appear to be what the girl wants. This was not easy for the mother to cope with, of course, but the opposite solution would have led to even more anguish for all concerned.

 

How parents cope in cases of child custody is less important than how the children cope. The best coping mechanism for a parent must therefore involve ensuring that the children are helped as much as possible. If you are ever in this situation, please bear in mind that although the break-up may be a matter of some relief, even celebration, for you, for your children it will seem much more like a bereavement. If you can cope on behalf of your children you will also do so on behalf of yourself.

© John Welford

Charity shops as second-hand bookshops

The central shopping streets of British towns and cities have been having a hard time in recent years. Many shops, both large and small, have closed their doors in the face of competition from out-of-town shopping centres, central undercover malls, and the Internet with its myriad opportunities for people to shop from home.

As retail premises have become vacant, many of them have been snapped up by national and local charities which have taken advantage of the opportunity to trade donated goods for much-needed funds. Many High Streets, especially in smaller towns, now seem to have more charity shops in them than any other kind of business premise, and the growth trend seems set to continue.

Charities have certain advantages that ordinary retailers do not have. For one thing, all the stock they offer for sale has been donated, so the prices they charge their customers can undercut those of their commercial competitors. Added to that, they do not have to levy VAT (value added tax) on their sales. They are staffed mainly by volunteers, so there are few salaries to be paid (the shop manager is often a paid employee, but is likely to be the only one). Although charity shops must pay rent to the landlord of the property, they will get relief from most, if not all, of the business rates that they would otherwise have to pay.

One of the categories of business enterprise that has almost disappeared from town centres is the second-hand bookshop. Well-established concerns that had been going for generations have found that they can no longer make a profit in times of rising costs and falling sales. They have fallen victim to Internet sales and to national chains such as “Works” that sell nearly-new remaindered stock at second-hand prices. The Internet has dealt them a double whammy by killing off the book-reading and book-buying habit that once sustained the second-hand book trade. Many people prefer to read books on a Kindle than in hard copy.

So where does the dedicated book buyer (there are still a few left!) go when the urge takes him or her to browse for a bargain? Increasingly, the answer is the charity shop.

The general stock-in-trade of most charity shops is clothing, but most also have at least a few shelves of books in them, usually tucked away towards the back of the shop. There are even some charities, such as Age UK and Oxfam, that have set up complete second-hand bookshops of their own.

So what are the advantages of visiting charity shops when searching for books?

As might be guessed from the preceding comments, books sold in charity shops are likely to be cheaper than those in traditional second-hand bookshops. Without all the expenses that a traditional bookseller must meet, not to mention the fact that the purpose of a charity shop is to benefit a good cause rather than offer a living wage to the shop’s owner, prices can be kept very low indeed.

Charity shops are used to people offering to pay more for an item than the price marked on it, or to say “keep the change” at the till, so they can easily afford to offer low prices. The charity is unlikely to suffer from setting prices too low. Besides, it is in the shop’s interest to clear space on the shelves as quickly as possible in order to make room for other stock that is sitting in a box somewhere. If a book does not sell, at any price, it is quite likely to be thrown out, simply so that something else can be displayed in its place.

Due to this rapid turnover of stock, the book buyer will find that revisiting a shop on a regular basis will mean viewing a whole new collection of books to choose from. If there is nothing of interest one week, there may very well be something the week after.


And the disadvantages?

Except in the specialist charity bookshops mentioned above, it is unlikely that the staff will know an awful lot about books. They are unlikely to have much idea about how to arrange the books in a logical way, except maybe a general division between fiction and non-fiction. The browser may therefore have to scan all the shelves in the book area of the shop in order to find items of interest.

More importantly, a “real” second-hand bookseller is in a position to talk to customers about items that he knows might be coming along, or he can promise to look out for specific titles or editions that a customer wants to find and put them to one side as and when they turn up. He is a buyer as well as a seller, and will match what he buys (from house clearances or auctions, for example) to what he knows about the requirements of his clientele. This is not the sort of service to be expected from a charity shop, where what you see is what you get.

In conclusion, if you want to buy second-hand books in Britain today you may have little choice other than to explore what the charity shops have to offer. The experience of exploring the dimly lit recesses of a second-hand bookshop, spending hours getting covered in dust in the hope of unearthing something that might have been there for years just waiting for you to find it, is probably one that will only rarely be enjoyed in future. In its place is the excitement of seeing what has just appeared on the shelves of the charity shop, and then visiting all the other similar shops that may be close by.

It must not be forgotten that charity shops exist for one purpose only, which is to raise funds that will be used to alleviate poverty, fund research into killer diseases, or provide services that cannot be supplied out of public funds. Buying from a charity shop is therefore a good thing to do. And there is also the thought that, if you don’t like what you have bought, you can always take it back so that someone else can buy it next week!

© John Welford

Canal locks

The canal lock is a simple yet highly effective device that solves the problem of how to get boats to go uphill on rivers and artificial waterways. Navigation on rivers is possible for many miles when the river is slow-moving and only dropping by a small amount as it moves towards the sea, but when the gradient increases and the water flows faster, it becomes impossible for vessels to proceed. Likewise, canals cannot always be level – they have to go up and down hill in order to get from A to B if the places in question are at different heights above sea level or there is a hill that gets in the way.

China had an extensive canal system in ancient times – back as far the “BC” years – but the gradient problem was avoided rather than tackled. When a lock was required, it took the form of a barrier against which the water was allowed to build up. When the barrier was raised the water rushed down and took any boats with it. However, this was not very useful for boats that wanted to go upstream, as they would have to be carried round the barriers or their cargoes unloaded and carried round to another boat that was waiting on the other side.

In 983 AD an engineer called Chiao Wei-Yo had the idea of placing two barriers a short distance apart and creating a pound of placid water between the two which could be filled and emptied under complete control. Although the water could only ever flow in one direction, a boat could proceed upstream just as easily as downstream by riding on the rising or falling water in the pound.

The idea was re-invented in Europe in the fourteenth century, with the first “pound lock” being built at Vreeswijk in Holland in 1373.

However, one problem with early locks was that they relied on gates being lowered and raised into and out of the water. This meant that only boats below a certain height could use them. The problem was solved in the 16th century with the invention of the “mitre gate”, which is a double gate that closes to form a V shape pointing upstream, such that the pressure of water keeps it firmly closed. Water is allowed into the lock via sluices in the gate (or via channels around the gate in many modern locks) until the height in the lock is the same as that outside, at which point the gates can be swung open to admit or release a boat.

The beauty of this design is that thousands of gallons of water can be moved through a lock, together with boats weighing many tons, without any power being needed other than that of the water itself and the physical strength of the boat owner to open and close the gates and operate the sluices. As with most processes, there are ways of getting it wrong as well as right, but most canal users get the hang of operating locks very quickly and with only the minimum amount of instruction being needed.

© John Welford

The Butler Cabin

One thing I miss now that Hootie Johnson is no longer Chairman of the Augusta National Golf Club is his welcome to “the historic Butler Cabin” at the start of that very odd ceremony of presenting the green jacket to the winner of the Master’s golf tournament.

Leaving aside the reason why this ceremony takes place in a room in a cabin in front of an open fireplace, with nobody to witness it apart from TV viewers across the world, it’s that word “historic” that always struck me as being interesting. Agreed, Billy Payne, who conducted the ceremony after Hootie retired in 2006, described the cabin as being “famous”, but Hootie always stuck to “historic”.

So that must mean, presumably, that the cabin is of considerable age, or that some great event took place here. Given that Augusta is in Georgia, perhaps this was the scene of some Civil War battle or siege? Did the heroic Butler family, armed with only pitchforks and a blunderbuss, hold off an army of Northerners until they were starved into submission? Or perhaps Butler was a Confederate general who, with his trusty companions, planned their tactics around the table, in front of this very fireplace, where now last year’s winner turns into a butler for the day as he helps his successor into a jacket that is two sizes too big or too small?

OK, this is golf we are talking about here, so maybe we should limit the history to that of golf. The Masters was first held in 1934, so presumably the Butler Cabin was the original clubhouse, and this was where Bobby Jones and Cliff Roberts drew up the rules? Or was it from here that the first players set off for the first tee?

We Brits appreciate that, to an American, history describes anything that happened the day before yesterday, so a building that dates from the mid 1930s could conceivably be “historic”, especially if it witnessed events of great importance to the story of the sport for which it is renowned, but it turns out that the truth is somewhat different.

Indeed, the “historic” Butler Cabin has seen far less history than the course on which it sits, having been built as recently as 1964 and the first green jacket ceremony only took place there in 1965. So when exactly did this ceremony, and its location, become “historic”?

Even allowing for America’s foreshortened view of what constitutes history, there are other features of Augusta National that have a much better claim to the epithet. How about the Eisenhower Cabin, for example, that was built in 1953 for the use of the President, who had been an Augusta member since 1948? At least everyone knows who Eisenhower was!

© John Welford

Bus salesman

Is this the work of the work of a budding master salesman – perhaps a billionaire in the making?

I was coming home one night on the last bus out of town. At the first stop along the route three people got on board, a young couple (late twenties) and a young man who was smartly dressed and had clearly had a few drinks after work before taking the bus home – he later said that he had been playing snooker after finishing work, which is presumably where he had been enjoying a few pints of the amber nectar.

The couple sat on one side of the bus and he stood on the other side, facing them. They had clearly been chatting before they got on the bus, and what followed on board was a continuation of what had gone before.

The young woman asked him what he did, and he announced that he was “in sales”. She then made the mistake of asking him what he sold, at which he launched straight into his sales pitch, in a voice that could be heard all down the bus!

His line of business was financial services, in particular getting banks to admit that they had overcharged customers for unwanted “extras” such as travel insurance. The salesman would act on behalf of his clients to get them refunds that could amount to thousands of pounds.

After a further two stops along the route he had got the couple to admit that they had probably been sold bank products that they didn’t need, and by the next stop he had logged their details into his smartphone.

It was not long before hands were being shaken and promises made in terms of follow-up calls and home visits.

Of course, it never occurred to the “customers” to ask themselves why they couldn’t approach the bank in person and thus avoid having to pay this salesman his commission, but that is what a good salesman does – he doesn’t give you the chance to ask such obvious questions!

However, I couldn’t help thinking that that young man will go far – although he might want to carry on travelling by bus if that is where the best business deals can be done!

© John Welford

British and American spelling

It was George Bernard Shaw who said that Britain and America were “divided by a common language”, and this is brought home quite forcibly when we look at our rules of spelling!

In the UK, the English language has evolved over many centuries, and the way we spell our words today is not always been how our ancestors would have done so. Emigrants to the New World took the English language with them in the state that it was at the time, and there has been a certain degree of divergence since then, although there are many examples that show that it is the British spelling that has changed in the meantime, not the American.

There have also been several deliberate attempts at spelling reform in the United States, most notably by Noah Webster of dictionary fame, and Melville Dewey, who devised the Dewey Decimal Classification for libraries and preferred “catalog” to “catalogue”. Spelling reforms have also been proposed in the UK, but with much less success. However, the constant cross-fertilisation supplied by American books, journals and (especially) web-based materials has led many British people to accept American spellings in daily use.

So what are the differences? One that is now becoming very blurred is “-ise” and “-ize” as a word ending. I would always prefer to see “recognise” rather than “recognize”, as I regard “-ize” as an Americanism, but some British dictionaries now give “recognize” as the preferred form. However, this “rule” - if it is a rule - only applies to words of two or more syllables - for example, don’t confuse “prise” and “prize”, which are words with entirely different meanings.

One very clear difference is the American omission of the “u” in “-our” word endings. So whereas a Brit would write “neighbour”, “harbour” and “colour”, an American would write “neighbor”, “harbor” and “color”. The important thing to remember here is not to use both forms of spelling in the same document - decide which spelling code to adopt and stick with it.

There are some examples where spelling reform has led to confusions that do not occur in British English. For instance, a floor of a building is a “storey” in Britain but a “story” in the USA. However, a “story” is also a tale that is told, on both sides of the Pond. In the plural, both “storeys” and “stories” are correct in the UK, depending on the context.

Another example is “kerb” and “curb”. If you hold something back, you curb it. If that something is the edge of a pavement (or “sidewalk” to an American), a Brit will do so with a “kerb”, but in American English “curb” is used for both meanings, and the special meaning of “kerb” has been lost.

To go beyond spelling, there are many differences that concern word choice and which are not a matter of words being spelled differently. The pavement/sidewalk example mentioned above is one of a huge number of potential sources of confusion. Ask for chips in the States and you do not get fried chipped potatoes but what Brits would call crisps! Make a mistake when writing in pencil and you would reach for a rubber in Great Britain, but ask for one in the US and you would get something very different!

Americans punctuate differently from Brits. The rule in British English is that the full stop (or “period”!) is always the final mark in a sentence, but Americans will happily place closing quotation marks or brackets after one. Americans insist on the opening word after a colon (:) having an upper case initial, which is anathema to grammatical Brits. Write a list of things ending “and …” and an American will place a comma after the last word before the “and”, but a Brit will not except on occasions where this would prevent a misunderstanding. Oddly enough, this inserted comma, despite being an Americanism, is known as the “Oxford comma”. There are plenty of other differences as well.

I am not saying that one way of spelling is correct and the other is wrong, only that these differences exist and it is important to be aware of them, so that when writing in English you are consistent. However, as I said above, things are not completely cut and dried and you can be forgiven for not getting it right every time - very few native-born writers of British English do so anyway!


© John Welford

An introduction to the game of bowls

What we Brits (and citizens of other Commonwealth countries) call bowls is known in the US and elsewhere as lawn bowls, to distinguish it from the mechanised skittles game played in bowling alleys. Bowls is a game that has much more variety and subtlety to it, which is perhaps why it has not really caught on in America!

Bowls is played either indoors or outdoors, on a specially prepared lawn or carpet. There are two main varieties, flat green and crown green, but this article concerns the flat green game that is played more commonly, except in the north of England where the crown game is king.

The main requirement for the outdoor game is a perfectly flat and regular lawn, known as a green, that is usually 40 yards square. Bowls clubs take prodigious care of their greens, because it only takes one bad patch, or an area that is not perfectly level, for the game to become more of a lottery than a game of skill.

The object of the exercise is to propel a bowl, which is a fairly heavy hand-sized ball, towards a “jack”, which is between a golf ball and a tennis ball in size. The bowl that ends up nearest to the jack is the winner, but there’s a lot more to it than that! The tricky thing about the bowl is that it is not a perfect sphere but “biased”, so that as it runs along the ground its course is an arc rather than a straight line. As it slows down, the degree of curve in its course increases – if it is propelled slowly it will curve a lot more than if it is sent fast. The bowler has therefore to take this into account when sending the bowl on its way – a faster delivery will make the bowl go further but in a straighter line than a slower one. If you do not want the bowl to go too far, you have to take the bias into the reckoning when you are taking aim.

Not all bowls are the same. When you start to play the game you have to decide what sort of bowls you want. They vary in size and weight, so you must make sure that you choose bowls that you are able to handle with comfort. Some bowls have a greater degree of bias than others – generally speaking, bowls for indoor use have less bias than outdoor bowls, but there is still plenty of variety even within indoor and outdoor bowls. Some players prefer a “swinging” bowl, others a “straight” one – and personal preference has a lot to do with confidence.

The game can be played by two bowlers playing against each other, or by two pairs, or two sets of three or of four. The games are therefore referred to as “singles”, “pairs”, “triples” or “fours” (or “rinks”). It is usual for singles and pairs players to play with fours bowls each, triples players to have three bowls, and fours players two. However, sometimes games are played with different arrangements.

The fours game is the one that is played most often when bowls clubs play each other in “friendlies”. Each team of four consists of a “lead”, a “two” a “three” and a “skip”. All the players will bowl two bowls each, taking turns with their opposite number, but each player also has a specific role within their team. The lead sends the jack down the green, and therefore determines whether the “end” will be long, short or in-between. The twos keep the score, the threes decide who has won the end, and by how many “shots”, and the skips give instructions to the other players as to how to play their shots.

As you might expect, with all those bowls being sent down, some of them are quite likely to bump into each other. That is all part of the game, as what matters is how the bowls lie after they have all been sent, and the later bowls have to take into account where the earlier ones have gone. You might want to hit the jack and send it to where another of your team’s bowls is waiting for it. Or you might want to hit one of the other team’s bowls and move it away from the jack. Every end is different and sets its own puzzles to be solved. That is why bowls is such a fascinating game to play.

Two other points must be made at this early stage. One is that bowls is a game for all ages. It has a reputation of being a game for old people, and is sometimes known as “granddad’s marbles”, but this is misleading. There are certainly many people of advanced years who play the game, but that is because it is one of the few outdoor sports where age is not a great handicap, at least at the amateur level.  The exercise it provides is gentle rather than athletic.  However, at the more competitive and professional levels it is becoming a much younger game, with many people taking it up in their teens and twenties.  

The second important point is that there are few games around that are more friendly to play. The social aspect of belonging to a bowls club is extremely important, and most clubs do a great deal to foster their social side. 

So there you have it – a very brief and sketchy introduction to a wonderful sport that anyone can play, even if they have never played any sort of sport before.  

© John Welford

Borgund stave church

Borgund stave church is a remarkable survival from a bygone age. Built entirely from wood between 1150 and 1180 it has stood for around 850 years as a living example of the skill of the Vikings as workers in wood.


Stave churches

A stave church is one that is built with a basic post and lintel construction, i.e. without arches and vaults. Vertical posts (staves) form the walls and internal pillars, with sills resting on top that provide the base for further staves on top. The steep-sided roofs are often supported on X-shaped scissor beams.

Stave churches were once common in the Scandinavian countries, with up to 1,000 having been built in Norway before 1400, but not many remain today. This is hardly surprising given the susceptibility of wooden buildings to destruction by fire and severe weather. Some have been dismantled and rebuilt elsewhere, but the church at Borgund is a relatively rare example of one that has lasted down the centuries much as it would have looked when originally built.


Borgund stave church

Borgund is a small town in southern Norway, not far from the headwaters of the Sognefjord, a deep waterway that extends inland for more than 100 miles.

The Vikings who built the church were descendants of the men who built longboats in which they sailed west not only to Britain but also out into the Atlantic Ocean. They therefore knew a great deal about how to use wood to build for strength and durability.

They also copied features from shipbuilding when building the church. There are carved dragons’ heads on the gable ends, just as there would have been on ships’ prows. The inside of the church resembles a ship’s cabin, with the small windows being more like portholes than standard openings.

The church reaches higher and higher like a ship’s mast, with six roof levels rising skywards.

Another interesting feature of the church is that it contains carved images that have little to do with Christianity – such as the dragons mentioned above, but also a wealth of other animals and mythical beasts, plus runic inscriptions and mystical symbols. The Vikings were relatively late among Europeans to be converted to Christianity, and there are reminders of their pagan past to be seen all over the building – as though the builders were hedging their bets.

Being built entirely of wood, the church “breathes” when the wind gets up. There are creaks and groans as the building rocks – this could be alarming, but the church has stood for more than eight centuries without being blown down yet!

 © John Welford

Field trips for learning history

It might be thought that the best history field trips will be to places where something important happened and where there is plenty of information to be gathered about that event. That is certainly part of the story, but not all of it. Field trips can be made that may not appear at the outset to be particularly interesting, but which can offer a great deal to the learner of history.

The current author was very lucky to be brought up in a part of southern England where history virtually oozed from everywhere around. The field trips he made, both from school and as part of a family group, were very educational and formed a major part of his understanding of the past.

Sites that could be visited in the locality of Wiltshire and Dorset included Stonehenge and Maiden Castle, both of which have world importance as monuments to the distant past, but they were only the tip of a vast historical “iceberg”, given that the legacy from the past in that region includes such things as Stone Age circles and long barrows, Bronze Age round barrows, Iron Age hill forts, and Roman roads and villas. Many of these remains are not set apart as “sites” to be visited in a formal way, with a fee to be paid and a set path to follow, but are just there to be seen at the side of the road or after a short walk.

School trips 

Field trips may be organised by a child’s school or can be undertaken independently under parental guidance. If the latter, the parent may need to do a bit of preparation before the trip is made so that he or she can answer at least some of the questions that will be forthcoming. An alternative is to tag along with any formal school group that may be visiting at the same time, so that the child can overhear what the other children are being told by their teacher or a local expert. However, this should be done discretely, and it might be wise to ask for permission before so doing.

However, the independent field-tripper has the advantage of not being tied down to the schedule of a school party. He or she can explore the site as he or she wishes, and the trip should be organised as an event that encourages play and discovery as opposed to being nothing but instruction.

The author once accompanied his son on a school field trip that ran late, such that the time for exploration had to be sacrificed to allow for the formal lesson that had been planned in advance. All the children did was pour off the bus, go straight into a classroom where they were duly lectured about what was on the site, and then have about 15 minutes to eat their sandwiches before being ushered back on to the bus for the return journey. They might as well not have made the trip at all! A child without these constraints would have been able to spend the time exploring and discovering, with all the formal stuff catered for by some judicious Web surfing afterwards, or maybe reading the guidebook bought at the gift shop before leaving.

Castles and battlefields

Sites that always excite children, of virtually any age, are castles and battlefields. Many castles in the United Kingdom can trace their origin back to Norman times, and their story is long and complicated, with many changes and additions being made down the centuries. Children love exploring passageways and stairs, especially if these lead to unexpected places. Many castles are partially ruined, which gives plenty of scope for imagination as to how the buildings would have looked in the past.

Castles are ideal for exploration by parent-led children because a formal school group is often too large for the children to be able to get to grips with what they are seeing. A teacher may be able to point out something interesting to the two or three children closest at hand, but his or her words will be lost to those who are several turns down the spiral staircase!

It is often worth checking in advance to see if there is a special event being planned at a castle, because these are often extremely valuable in educational terms. A reconstruction of an event that took place at the castle, or displays by re-enactment groups of how people lived in the past, bring history to life in a way that cannot be bettered.

Battlefield sites enable children to see exactly where the events that shaped history took place, and they can visualise what happened by relating the landscape to the history. Many such sites have been preserved, not just in the United Kingdom but many other countries, and nothing beats witnessing a re-enactment of a battle, with authentic uniforms and weapons, in the place where it was fought hundreds of years ago.

Archaeology

History can be learned in all sorts of ways, and it is not necessarily the history of great people and events. For example, if an archaeological dig is taking place locally it might be worth asking if one’s child could visit and even take a small part in the process of historical discovery.

In 2009 the villagers of Kibworth, near Leicester, took part in a project to discover more about their history by digging trenches in their own back gardens, over a single weekend, the results being coordinated and plotted. A total of 55 pits were dug at locations throughout the area. The finds included items that had been lost and discarded by their predecessors centuries before, such as coins and pieces of pottery, and this single exercise enabled local historians to get a very good picture of how people lived in the past, such as where they farmed and had their dwellings.

The Kibworth experiment was notable for the huge interest shown by people of all ages, including children, who then became keen to learn more about the history of their village. A history field trip need take one no further than one’s own back garden!

Urban field trips

Urban dwellers need not feel deprived in terms of field trips. The city landscape is full of evidence of how lives were lived in past centuries. There is much to be learned from looking at both public buildings and private dwellings. For example, it was the custom in past times to place dates on houses, and from this one can plot how a town or city grew and which areas would have been populated before others. There are clues to how people earned their livings, such as the large upper-storey windows that allowed home-based weavers enough light to do their work.

Statues and commemorative plaques are worth looking out for, as these tell stories about the people who lived here and were thought important enough to be honoured.

Ecclesiastical buildings offer field trips in their own right, as their growth and decline are evidence of how populations have developed. Churchyards and cemeteries can tell all sorts of stories, such as indicating the life-spans of past generations, showing what size families tended to be, and the incidence of infant mortality. A mass grave may tell a story about a disaster that befell a community, such as a cholera outbreak or a mining accident.

The transport infrastructure, in both urban and rural settings, is another source of historical evidence that can be explored. Street patterns, and names, can provide a lot of information about past lives and the shapes of communities, as can the routes of railways and canals, whether or not they are still in use.

In short, the landscape and the changes made to it by mankind are an abiding and available source of historical information that is waiting to be discovered by the possessors of enquiring minds. What counts as “best” in terms of historical field trips must depend on local circumstances and the period of history under study.

© John Welford

Best British TV sitcoms of the 1990s

Any assessment of what constitutes the “best” of anything must involve some degree of subjectivity, and this is certainly true in terms of television sitcoms. Those chosen for discussion here were personal favourites of the current writer, but he is unlikely to be alone in his opinion!

The 1990s were not dominated, as were the 1980s, by sitcoms that stood head and shoulders above all the rest. At least a dozen probably deserve mention, but, as space does not allow this, here are four that may perhaps be regarded as the best of the bunch (in alphabetical order):

Absolutely Fabulous

Known more generally as “Ab Fab”, three series were broadcast in the early 1990s, with a gap from 1996 to 2001 after which two more series were made. This was a vehicle for Jennifer Saunders when she and her comedy partner Dawn French were seeking separate careers. It is unusual for being one of the few successful British sitcoms to feature a nearly 100% female cast.

Saunders plays Eddy Monsoon, a reasonably prosperous London woman in her 40s who still lives as though the seventies were in full swing, doing hardly any work (including housework), claiming to know all the most fashionable people in town, and addicted to cigarettes and alcohol, among other things.

Eddy is kept in line by her straight-laced daughter Saffron (Saffy) who is played by Julia Salwalha, and out of line by her even more disreputable friend Patsy Stone (Joanna Lumley). Much of the comedy comes from the triangular relationships between these characters and the loathing that Patsy and Saffy have for each other. A fourth main character is Eddy’s mother, played by June Whitfield, a sitcom actress from a much earlier era.

Although the comedy often degenerates into farce, and the acting of Saunders and Lumley is sometimes embarrassingly “over the top”, Ab Fab did much to cement the acting reputation of Julia Salwalha, who played a character much younger than her actual age, Saunders being only ten years older than Salwalha. However, this helped greatly in making the character of Saffy convincing as being by far the most mature person in the sitcom.

As Time Goes By

Nine series were made between 1992 and 2002. Written by Bob Larbey, this was a highly intelligent comedy series starring two of Britain’s best actors, namely Dame Judi Dench and Geoffrey Palmer. Palmer plays retired coffee planter Lionel Hardcastle, who has spent nearly 40 years in Kenya but has now come back to London where he meets Dench’s character, Jean Pargetter, who runs a secretarial agency. They soon discover that they had known each other many years before when they had fallen for each other but had wrongly assumed that the feelings were not mutual.

As they have both been married and are now either widowed or divorced, they decide to renew their relationship, but are always faced with the reality of having changed in some ways but not others.

Much of the comedy comes from the clash between Lionel’s laid-back approach to life and Jean’s determination to help those around her and solve their problems. These include Jean’s divorced daughter Judith (played by Moira Brooker) and Judith’s friend and Jean’s secretary Sandy (Jenny Funnell). Another main character is Lionel’s would-be publisher Alistair Deacon (Philip Bretherton) who is determined to promote Lionel’s interests even though Lionel is quite happy to let things lie.

This is a very “British” sitcom that is somewhat old-fashioned in its total lack of malice, with the humour coming from misunderstandings that arise when characters act from the best of motives. The combination of excellent writing and underplayed acting make it a lasting favourite.

Red Dwarf

Eight series were made between 1988 and 1999, from scripts written by Rob Grant and Doug Naylor. It was a science fiction parody based on a situation that allowed the writers’ imaginations to run riot and produce comedy that combined sci-fi with the social mores of the main character and elements of late 20^th century popular culture.

Red Dwarf is an enormous spaceship, drifting in the depths of space with no crew. That is not entirely true, because one character has survived the radiation disaster that wiped out the rest of the crew. This is Dave Lister (Craig Charles) a Liverpudlian who was the lowest-ranking member of the crew and who had been sentenced to “stasis” for smuggling his pregnant cat on board. Three million years later he emerges, exactly the same as he was before, but completely alone.

Well, not quite! For one thing, his cat survived and her offspring have evolved to produce “The Cat” (Danny John-Jules) a humanoid with distinctly feline characteristics. The ship’s computer has decided that Dave needs a human companion and produces a hologram of his former room-mate Arnold Rimmer (Chris Barrie). However, the two could not stand each other originally, and the relationship is no better after the passing of three million years!

The fourth main character is Kryten (Robert Llewellyn) a highly advanced robot who is programmed to serve and to have no feelings of his own. Also prominent is the ship’s computer Holly (with the voice and face of Norman Lovett in some of the series and Hattie Hayridge in others). Dave’s former girlfriend Kristine Kochanski (Clare Grogan / Chloë) also appears in later series.

The theme that runs through all the series is the personality clash between Lister and Rimmer, with Lister being generally messy, rebellious and laid-back, whereas Rimmer is absurdly hidebound, neurotic and self-centred with a massively overblown belief in his own abilities.

Given the whole Universe of strange places and creatures to explore, plus the possibilities offered by different dimensions, it is no surprise that the fertile imaginations of the writers went berserk, aided by some excellent special effects. That said, much of the humour is reassuringly down to earth and often downright earthy.

The Vicar of Dibley

Series One (1994) comprised six episodes and there were a further four in Series Two (1997-98). However, various “specials” were also made between 1996 and 2007, bringing the total number of episodes, some being very short, to 24. Although each episode stood alone there were a few underlying plots that provided a connection throughout the series.

Much as “Absolutely Fabulous” was a vehicle for Jennifer Saunders, this was the chance for Dawn French to prove herself in playing the dominant character in a comedy series. The role, which was written with her in mind by Richard Curtis and Paul Mayhew-Archer, might at first sight seem surprising, as she had not previously been noted for playing religious characters. However, she proved to be absolutely right for this part.

The idea for the sitcom came from the change in 1992 that allowed women to be ordained in the Church of England. The Reverend Geraldine Granger (French’s character) was not based on any particular female vicar, although French and the writers did carry out a lot of research into how women had been received when they first appeared as country vicars.

Playing a religious subject for laughs is always dangerous, as audiences can easily take offence if they believe that Christianity is being mocked. Indeed, there were certain aspects of The Vicar of Dibley that pushed the boundaries, such as Geraldine’s greed for chocolate (matching French’s well-known large physical size) and her desperate search for a husband. Sexual innuendo was present in many of the episodes.

However, Geraldine has the proverbial “heart of gold” and will do anything to protect her parishioners and avoid letting them down, even at her own expense. She has a well-developed sense of right and wrong, and religion is never itself the target of mockery.

Most of the rest of the cast comprise the Dibley Parish Council, with many episodes featuring a meeting of its highly eccentric members. The Vicar has a female verger to assist her, namely Alice Tinker (Emma Chambers) whose stupidities provide much of the comedy and whose love affair with Hugo Horton (James Fleet), the son of Parish Council chairman David Horton (Gary Waldhorn) offers a continuous storyline.

Although the exaggerations of this comedy often turn it into farce, and a number of the characters are too ridiculous to be believed, there are elements that are very appealing, and the writing is always paced entirely correctly.

The Best of the Rest

One Foot in the Grave (1990-2000). Richard Wilson starred as Victor Meldrew, a pensioner who unwittingly allows utterly bizarre situations to develop.

Keeping up Appearances (1990-95). Patricia Routledge starred as the middle-class snob Hyacinth Bucket, which she insists is pronounced “bouquet”.

Men Behaving Badly (1992-98). Martin Clunes and Neil Morrissey starred as two extremely immature young men.

Birds of a Feather (1989-98). Pauline Quirke and Linda Robson starred as sisters whose husbands were in prison.

© John Welford

Best British TV sitcoms of the 1980s

The 1980s were something of a golden age for British TV sitcoms, with at least four major series that deserve a high place in any list of the greatest sitcoms of all time. Although any such a choice is always subjective, the fact that episodes of these four have been repeated many times in more recent years seems to show that the choice is widely shared.

It happens to be the case that all four of the sitcoms featured here were made by the BBC, for which this was definitely a decade of high achievement in terms of comedy. Although they have produced many other great sitcoms since, as have the other British TV channels, the BBC has never been quite as dominant in terms of quality.

The four series mentioned here are given in alphabetical order, so no implication can be assumed as to whether any one is considered to be better than the rest.

Allo Allo

Series 1 was first shown in 1984 and the final series (9) in 1992.

It was a daring move by the writers (David Croft and Jeremy Lloyd) to take the theme of wartime occupied France as a setting for comedy, especially given that the reality was far from humorous, with the constant threat of death from the German army, plus the savage “secret war” between the French Resistance and the Gestapo. Indeed, it was an earlier BBC drama series, “Secret Army”, that formed the basis for Allo Allo, the latter being an unashamed parody of the former.

The best comedy always has a serious core to it, and that is certainly the case with Allo Allo. There is constant talk of characters being shot, and the main character, the café owner René Artois, is regularly under threat not only from the Germans but the Resistance, should he refuse to carry out their orders. Indeed, at one point he undergoes a mock execution, only to re-appear as his own twin brother!

René (played by Gorden Kaye) is at heart a coward who will do anything he can to save his own skin, although his café is an essential hub of the local Resistance. He is constantly called upon to carry out the increasingly absurd schemes of the Resistance to get two British airmen returned to England, and is the guardian and operator of the radio set (hence “Allo Allo”) that is kept under his mother-in-law’s bed.

The Germans are led by Colonel Kurt Von Strohm (Richard Marner) who occupies the local chateau and would, like René, rather be doing anything other than fighting a war. One major running theme is his scheme to steal works of art that he can sell when the war is over, although to do this he must also outwit the Gestapo officer Otto Flick (Richard Gibson), who combines stiffness of manner (and a particularly stiff leg) with his own version of carrying on a love affair with the Colonel’s nubile secretary, Helga Geerhart (Kim Hartman).

There are many plots and subplots that run throughout the episodes, each of which leads into the next, but each can also be watched in isolation. There are a huge number of catchphrases and running gags which, strangely enough, never seem to get tired because they are always presented in a fresh way.

Blackadder

Four series were made between 1983 and 1989, each belonging a different period of English/British history. The original series, set in the late 15^th century, is generally regarded as not being all that good, but when Ben Elton took over much of the scriptwriting for the second series, set in the court of Queen Elizabeth I, the improvement was immense.

All four series starred Rowan Atkinson as various generations of Blackadder, assisted by manifestations of his manservant Baldrick, played by Tony Robinson. The three most successful series feature Blackadder as a clever and scheming aristocrat who does everything he can to make personal gains without having to do too much work or get found out should his schemes be of dubious legality, which is often the case.

Blackadder’s cleverness is always in stark contrast to the stupidity of the people around him, whether that be the Prince Regent in Series 3 (played by Hugh Laurie) or the British military machine of World War I, represented mainly by General Melchett (Stephen Fry) in the final series “Blackadder Goes Forth”.

This last series is generally regarded as the most successful, mainly because the wartime absurdities brought to the forefront have more than a grain of truth to them, although the “Blackadder view of World War I” has been criticised in some quarters as being unpatriotic and unfair to the generals who led the British forces. In the final episode the comedy gives way to reality as the main characters go “over the top” and the scene melds into a field of poppies.

Only Fools and Horses

There were seven series, written by John Sullivan and made between 1981 and 1991, starring David Jason and Nicholas Lyndhurst as the brothers Derek (“Del Boy”) and Rodney Trotter. Del Boy is a market trader in south London with an eye for the main chance and Rodney is his younger brother who is constantly roped into Del Boy’s schemes although he can usually see that they are doomed to failure.

The comedy comes mainly from the contrast between ever-optimistic Del Boy and gloomy and pessimistic Rodney. Rodney would love to escape from the situation of living in a council flat surrounded by boxes of merchandise that is either of dubious provenance or quality (usually both) and lead a life of his own, but his schemes come to nothing and he always retains a nagging sense of loyalty to his brother.

There is an excellent set of supporting characters, including Grandad (Lennard Pearce), who was replaced as the live-in elderly relative by Uncle Albert (Buster Merryfield) when Lennard Pearce died during filming in 1984, street cleaner Trigger (Roger Lloyd Pack) and dodgy car salesman Boycie (John Challis). Humour comes from Trigger’s general stupidity and Boycie’s role as the unwitting dupe of Del Boy’s schemes.

Good sitcoms need sensible characters as well, and common sense was introduced in the later series by the two brothers’ girlfriends Raquel (Tessa Peak-Jones) and Cassandra (Gwyneth Strong). Their introduction, as intelligent women, provided a foil to the only other regular female character, Boycie’s wife Marlene (Sue Holderness), whose general stupidity and ignorance had been a long-standing running gag.

Yes Minister / Yes Prime Minister

Three series of Yes Minister (written by Antony Jay and Jonathan Lynn) were shown between 1980 and 1982, followed by two series of Yes Prime Minister in 1986 and 1987/8.

This is a satire on the British system of government, and in particular on the relationship between government ministers (or the Prime Minister) and their civil servants. Ministers may believe that they are in a position to wield power and make things happen, but, as Yes Minister makes clear, the real power lies with the senior civil servants.

Jim Hacker (played by Paul Eddington) is a Member of Parliament who is appointed to the (fictitious) post of Minister of Administrative Affairs (he is promoted to Prime Minister in the later series). His private office is staffed by Permanent Secretary Sir Humphrey Appleby (Nigel Hawthorne) and Principal Private Secretary Bernard Woolley (Derek Fowlds). It soon becomes very clear that Sir Humphrey will allow nothing to happen of which he does not approve, and that means that the status quo must be preserved at all costs.

From the two series we get an exaggerated view of the machinations of government, although many people who have been part of the system have stated that the exaggerations are not all that great! It is known that this sitcom was a particular favourite of Margaret Thatcher, who was the real Prime Minister at the time.

The comedy comes from the battle of wills between the two main protagonists, and the splendid characterisation of Sir Humphrey. Every episode contains a piece of monologue in which he resorts to civil service language that is so full of jargon and verbal dexterity as to be virtually meaningless (for example, “I” becomes “the perpendicular pronoun”)`; again, the exaggeration is not regarded as being over-extreme!

The Best of the Rest

Honourable mentions should be made of several other 1980s sitcoms:

Last of the Summer Wine (by Roy Clarke) ran for 37 years, of which the 80s represented some of its finest years. This gentle comedy about the elderly residents of a Yorkshire town held great appeal for many viewers, and provided employment for many actors nearing the ends of their careers.

Hi-de-Hi (by Jimmy Perry and David Croft) was a satire on 1950s holiday camps.

Bread was an excellent series by Carla Lane about a Liverpool family.

Ever Decreasing Circles by John Esmonde and Bob Larbey was a beautifully written comedy of mature relationships based on the interplay of suburban middle-class characters played by Richard Briars, Peter Egan and Penelope Wilton.

© John Welford