Children during marital breakdown

Marital breakdown is always a tragedy of dashed hopes, but at least most adults know that they can get over it, build new relationships, and start all over again.

However, for the children of the marriage this is not so easy. If they have spent their whole lives being looked after by two people, and one of them suddenly leaves the scene, the result is devastating. What many parents forget is that children look to each parent for different things----their mother may be the person to go to for emotional support, whereas dad is much better for solving practical problems (or maybe, of course, the other way round!). Take away one side of that equation and the child’s security has been damaged, possibly beyond repair.

 

What parents who are faced with this situation must always remember is that the interests of the children must always come first, second and third. They must also have the humility to admit that they may not be the best persons to make that judgment. There have been too many cases of marital breakdown where one partner has committed suicide and killed the children as well, in the mistaken and tragic belief that the kids would be better off dead.

 

The best coping mechanism is therefore to seek professional help as soon as possible. In the

 

For example, if the family consists of more than one child, will it be best for them to be split between the parents, or should they stay together? The parents will doubtless have their own views on this, but those of the children may well be different.

 

The problems can be even trickier when a marriage between people of different nationalities is involved. In a noted case in the UK, the daughter of a Scottish mother (living in the remote Western Isles) and a Pakistani father decided to fly off with the father back to Pakistan, where she has accepted Islam and adopted Muslim dress. The Scottish court ruled in favour of the mother, but the Pakistani court favoured the father. The wishes of the daughter were being given consideration, and the arrangement now in place does appear to be what the girl wants. This was not easy for the mother to cope with, of course, but the opposite solution would have led to even more anguish for all concerned.

 

How parents cope in cases of child custody is less important than how the children cope. The best coping mechanism for a parent must therefore involve ensuring that the children are helped as much as possible. If you are ever in this situation, please bear in mind that although the break-up may be a matter of some relief, even celebration, for you, for your children it will seem much more like a bereavement. If you can cope on behalf of your children you will also do so on behalf of yourself.

© John Welford